Love Is ...

Today I am reminded about how lucky I am to have been given a 2nd chance at hearing. Before I had my daughter, I accepted that my hearing was getting worse & I think I had acknowledged the fact that i'd just 'be deaf'. At that time (before being pregnant, so early 2009), I was under the assumption that I wasn't a candidate for the Cochlear Implant. I had testing for it years ago & wasn't eligible. To be honest, I can't even remember why. Whether it was because my hearing loss wasn't severe enough, i'm not sure. It was pretty bad at the time still, but I was getting by with BTE hearing aids.

Part of me wonders if I had not had a child, whether I would have even bothered to return to the possibility of getting a Cochlear Implant or whether I would like as I said before, just be deaf & accept it for what it is & go about my everyday life. Lived as a recluse perhaps, I don't know. The good thing is now that I don't have to think about that!

I had major depression & depressing thoughts about being a deaf Mum. It just wasn't what I thought I would be. I have the most respect for anyone who has gone through this longer than I have. Each person is different, but for me, as someone who has had hearing before - I know what a bird sounds like & all those things most people take for granted. I couldn't bare the thought of not hearing my daughter ever, so each day since her birth, it dragged me down each & every day. Especially when I knew she was crying her eyes out as a baby & I could see the look of frustration on my hubbys face. I could see how bad the crying was & not being able to settle her etc. But at the same time, I felt out of the loop, coz I wasn't hearing her. Her crying was silent to me. Her screaming, her wailing, her shrieking etc. All meant nothing. I couldn't tell if she was crying unless I could see her face & even then, unless her face was bright red or tears falling down her face, I really didn't understand whether she was crying or laughing.

So all this sort of stuff, analysing her face. Trying to work out what she was doing at each moment of the day, it was so exhausting. Then to top off the exhausting days, I had to try & comfort myself. I felt so alone in a silent world. My hubby could talk to his parents over the phone & maybe get some advice about things or just blurt things out. But for me, being deaf & not having that option, it was very overwhelming at times & I would cry myself to sleep. Not knowing where I fitted into this world. Maybe this world of motherhood wasn't for me. Was I selfish for having a baby when I knew that I wouldn't be able to hear her? She deserves better than me - someone who can hear her without staring at her all the time to SEE a response.

So anyway, today I was reminded of how lucky I am that my Cochlear implant surgery went so incredibly well & today - only 3months after my switch on date. I have almost forgotten all those times of self hate, the feeling of being so alone & depressed because I can't hear my daughter giggle & laugh.

Because now I can! I am loving waking up each day knowing that I get to HEAR her. Even on the grumpy frumpy days ;) And today, as I was changing her nappy (yes, still can't get her toilet trained ARGHH), I got the pleasure of listening to her sing the alphabet song which she seems to have adjusted to suit herself lol.

"ABCDEFGHIJK LMNOP QRS TUV WX Y Zed, now I know my ABCD EFGHIJK LMNOP ... "

You get the idea ;) it goes over & over & over apparently ;) Its a neverending song, rather than "now I know my ABC, next time won't you sing with me!" lol.

Another song shes singing lots of Ram Sam Sam - this was sung at her Kindy Concert on Tuesday & shes been singing it for the past month or so. But it brings back so many happy memories of me singing it at Brownie & Girl Guide camps etc when I was little, over in NZ. So I get to reminisce as well as enjoy my daughter sing :)

Words cannot express how much I am loving it right now :) I cry so often now ... but this time, its tears of joy, amazement, surreal feeling of being able to hear better than I have for the past 12 years or so!

I know there is still a long long road ahead of me, learning to undo all these little habits that i've gathered during my bad hearing & deaf period. Things like looking down at the ground while walking. Ive been doing that for so many years now that I need to physically remind myself not to do it & I probably need some sort of physio to help correct my posture etc now too.

Many things have changed, but I know they can be changed back to "before" as well. The most important thing in the world to me, is my lil girl, my pride & joy, the best thing in my life - & the fact that I can experience life with her now & get excited as her at hearing things.

Even yesterday, when we walked home from the bus stop, we walked past a house that has a chicken coop. A Rooster crowed! And we both heard it at the same time & looked at each other, but lil miss not having heard one before, didn't know what it was. And that was my defining moment! I was able to tell her "that is a rooster". Because I had heard it too. Before now, i've always had to say "I don't know" or "Ask Daddy" coz I can't hear anything. NOW I get to be Mum & teach her sounds! Not just look completely clueless at what shes hearing.

Happy Days! :D

1st Ever Kindy Concert!

Well, today was lil miss's 1st ever Kindy Christmas Concert & she was so excited! She has been saying "its a secret" everytime we have been asking her what she was doing for it. Doesn't she realise that I hate secrets? ;)

Anyway, this was going to be our very first first that all of us could be hearing. Up until today, everything was always second hand for me. The first time I heard her speak - wasn't the first time she had spoken, the first time I heard her say Mummy, obviously wasn't the first time she'd ever said Mummy. That sort of thing.

But today, we were all on equal / level territory. It was lil miss's first Kindy Concert AND therefore, it was mine & hubbys first Kindy Concert too.

They had their little party first. It was all exciting because they got to have the party in the "big kids room", which is the other side of the room where lil miss doesn't hang out, coz shes one of the "little kids". (i'm talking age, not height obviously - although, she'd still be little if it were that way lol).

Then all the family members came back after the party & they did their concert for us. I had charged the video camera for over 24hrs. Unfortunately, we realised as hubby starting recording, that the battery wasn't holding the charge! Arghh. (note to self: Get a new one!). Its been years since we last used it, but didn't even consider that, but anyway. We got most of it recorded, so her Nana in NZ & Nan in Aus will be able to see her little concert.

I managed to get a bad seat, so couldn't get many photos with my silly camera lol. Got some good shots of the 2 parents in front of me & their shoulders though ;P

But the main thing was, this was the first time I have ever felt a part of it. I couldn't understand a lot of the singing (well, the music that was coming out of the CD player). I knew I wouldn't be able to. But I could at least recognise that the noise was there. Kind of hard to explain, but I felt a part of the group because I knew when they were doing something as opossed to just sitting there & doing nothing. You know how kids are, they run around & wander off etc. Thinking about it now, I realise that if I didn't have the sound today, then I could have assumed that the kid who ran off towards his mummy part way through the concert - I might have thought that was part of it. But with sound, it helped me.

I didn't feel left out or feel like I shouldn't even be there, because lets face it, the actions that kids that age do - are never going to be exact are they lol. So its mighty confusing. But now that I have the hearing to go with it, it allows me to relax & just watch it with the sounds in the backgrounds rather than staring at the people trying to work out what was being said or trying to determine what song they might actually be singing when I had no sound. Was completely stress free which was a major change from the past!

So needless to say, I had one of the best days in such a long long time :) Now my next big day will be Christmas Day, getting to experience something similar to today & relax more & not feel that i'm missing out on parts due to needing to blink or something lol. I can actually hear whats going on around me & hear the noises coming from her toys (and yes, we have got something that has noise in it - that was a huge thing that I planned on doing. Definitely a requirement to this year! We got her something with noise in it last year when we initially thought i'd have hearing by Christmas then it didn't work out, so had to repeat that for this year after I missed out on all those 'experiencing the sounds for the first time' with her).

I hear rain!

Today it is raining for the first time since my switch on & even better, I can hear it! :)

Is kind of a weird experience. I know this version of the sound processor is one the most water resistant processors out there, but still ... my instincts make me turn my head so i'm trying to avoid rain getting on my processor when I just went outside to put a bag of rubbish in the bin.

Turning my head was the easiest way when I had an "in the ear" hearing aid & usually pretty good when I had a "behind the ear" hearing aid as well ... but the Cochlear Implant one is a little bit different! It goes on your head as well as your ear! Will have to learn to ignore my instincts perhaps lol

Bit of a recap ...

2weeks & 2days since my switch on - incredible! It feels "normal" already. My next challenge is to sort out the telephone! That probably doesn't sound like a hard thing to most people, but remember, sound doesn't go through my middle ear like a normal hearing person - so the ear piece of the phone doesn't sit on the ear. The microphone is up the top on the behind the ear piece of the sound processor, so little things like that will take time getting into a technique to hold it above where most people will hold it.

I also need to learn to rely on words & hearing & not lip reading. I can hear a lot of words now & have done really well with listening to sounds & some words from my audiologist speaking from behind a hand. So i'm hoping it won't be too difficult. I have lots of pointers about how to go about re-learning to use the telephone. It will be amazing to be able to chat on the phone with my Mum again! The last 2 times I spoke with my Mum on the phone were very difficult times for me. Both relating to a death to someone in my family. Most of my significant events in life since then have been either via text message or email. When I was pregnant, when lil miss was born & when we bought our first home. All via written methods rather than being able to ring up & get an instant response. It is what it is. There isn't anything I can do to change that, but i'm looking forward to being able to call her up definitely & be able to just chat. Coz sometimes its just nicer & easier to chat rather than email. And things get left unsaid or unexplained in emails.

Something i've noticed today is something a little odd, but anyway - I have confidence to leave lil miss in the living room playing with toys, or watching TV while I have a shower & i'm having a shower every day since my switch on. Very odd! I don't even have hearing while in the shower, never have never will lol. But since my switch on 2wks ago, i've gained confidence or something to allow myself to have that shower everyday. Haven't done that since I was pregnant lol (not saying I stunk!! But I didn't have one daily, which I used to do). Maybe its partly due to the fact that lil miss is older & I can trust her to be OK out there. She can open the bathroom door if she needs to now as well. But I think it has been a lot to do with my switch on too. So much has changed in myself since that day.I am actually feeling more awake during the days too because of the shower, or at least thats what I think.

I had my 2nd appointment on Wednesday this week, since the switch on. My hearing is pretty stable already. Im very surprised. Only a few adjustments were made, mainly for those high pitched sounds that i'm not used to & that I feel like I want to turn it off when I hear them. So now, those things that hurt me, don't anymore. But all that was changed without the need to reduce clarity or volume of the everyday stuff. Fantastic! While I was waiting for my train today, I heard some sparrows chirping. I think they are such cute little creatures & love their little chirping. Have so missed hearing them! We don't have many near our house & I actually got on a different train station today, so they obviously have them there. Was a lovely moment.

The list below, may seem like really basic things, but they are also things that probably most of us take for granted. Tiny little things that you don't even imagine not being able to hear, they are just a fact of everyday life for most of us. It may make you wonder what it is like to not hear them each & every single day. Its a scary time to lose your hearing after having heard all of this sort of thing before. 

Here is a recap of what I have heard in the past 2weeks & 2days (still can't believe half of it myself!) ...

• My daughter!
• One of the best things besides being able to hear my daughter in general, is hearing her say "Mummy" & "I love you, Mummy" xxx :) (I also heard her say "I hate you Mummy. I want Daddy!" for the first time yesterday - that wasn't so great Doh!)
• My husband
• Sewing Machine
• Rotary cutter (craft related)
• Iron steaming
• Water dripping from the tap
• Tap being turned on & releasing water!
• Key unlocking the front door 
• the wind! 
• Pedestrian crossing lights noise when its time to cross (incredible being able to not have to stare at the green lil man & rely on that!)
• Frypan with oil sizzling
• plastic bags crinkling
• newspaper being turned
• Kenwood mixer
• Microwave 
• various celebrities voices on TV for the first time (thankfully, have not yet heard One Direction or Justin Bieber though!)
• My cat, Ozzie purring
• Pigeon flapping its wings during take off
• Birds of all varieties chirping & tweeting 
• Train announcements
• While sitting on the platform, the train announcement saying where the train is going to & what stations it stops at
• While on the train "Doors Closing, Please stand clear"
• Also on the train "Next stop, ...... "
• Postie knocking on the door with a parcel!
• lil miss & her beginning of the never ending "why, why" questions ;)
• Next door neighbours chatting on their own property! 
• Power tools & non-power tools like hammers happening on a house building site a couple of doors down!
• Being able to have a conversation with hubby while in the car & he is driving!
• Realising how much lil miss chats away in the back seat while in the car
• ATM machine - beeping of the numbers & telling you to take the money & card out etc
• Computer games on Facebook that hubby & I play. 
• Car alarms & general car park noises
• my daughter giggling
• Clothes pegs clicking when they go back into the basket
• Our washing machine
• My dog panting after playing with his toys 
• My dogs paws tapping on the tiles in the laundry when I take him outside for the day
• Felt tip pens being dragged along the paper by lil miss 
• All of lil miss's toys!
• Car indicator
• clicking of my insulin pen when I dial up my dose
• Mouse & keyboard clicking / tapping on the computer
• Digital camera clicks when it takes a photo & makes a purr sound when it auto-focuses!
• Cat meowing

Why hubby is dying a slow painful death :P

 Let me get one thing straight - hubby is not really dying obviously!

BUT, let it also be known, that hubby loves his sounds & loves his youtube videos, watching demo's, movie previews computer games, Linux seminars & whatever else on youtube!And throwing cutlery into the kitchen sink! Arghhh

But when you are me, & you are learning to hear again for the first time in years - every sound is LOUD! After my week 1 appointment last Thursday, things have gotten awfully loud for me. Anything relating to computers is loud. Oil on the frypan sizzling away - terrible!! For me that was like the water tap on full pressure shooting out of the tap. I actually turned off my sound processor during cooking time. It was that bad.

Putting pegs in the peg basket today was like throwing each peg onto a microphone. Remember last week when I said that I could actually hear this but it was fine last week. This week however, my brain has gotten more volume into it. Confusing world this CI business!

Paper crinkling & plastic bags - like the ones that the frozen vegetables, bread, or chippie packets come in. OMG make it stop!

And lil miss putting her "little people" plastic toys back in the box when cleaning up - when they touch (a little people falling onto another little people), its like someone just slapped a hand in my ear or louder!

This is the tricky part of the CI journey I think. Its finding out when is it too loud & things that seem too loud now, may not be so by the end of the week, when my head starts to tolerate it. From my understanding, what I am hearing now - the volume that my sound processor is currently set at, is not actually that loud. (This is how I think it is anyway - I need to confirm that at the next appointment to help my understanding of why its like this). So what I think my level is now, is not seen as loud in the "real world", but to me, for my head to not have heard it for so many years, its loud & yuck basically. Once my head gets used to the sound, that sound decreases & it feels "normal" or better.

People say that I must be over the moon to hear my daughter now. Of course. Absolutely! Words cannot express what I feel now that I can hear my daughter. BUT having said that, i'm not actually hearing her actual voice. Her voice to me, is different from what it actually is. What I am hearing, honestly, is an Irish accent. BUT, also, most things I haven't heard before sound like that. TV shows are sounding like that.

So at the moment, this week, hearing is very difficult & loud for me. I think thats a good thing, it might mean i'm finding where my groove is going to sit. I have an appointment this week & then I have the following week with no appointment! So, there will still be more adjusting as we go along, but hopefully this weeks adjustments will change my volume for me to a more comfortable level & it may be OK at that level for a while, or maybe long term anyway.

Other interesting news since I last posted. There is a new baby in the (extended) family. This will obviously be the first time I get to hear it, but I didn't feel this way when this person had their last baby. I wasn't wanting to go visit them at the hospital etc. I didn't feel that emotion. That may be because I am now a mum. But also, I think it possibly has a lot to do with the fact that I can hear. I will be able to hear the baby cry & coo & all of that. I can make a conversation with the parents & even talk about my experiences or compare or something. Im actually excited & looking forward to a couple of weeks time when we get to meet the new addition of the family. So that is something else I haven't yet experienced.

Having this amazing technology is also giving me some down time. Its making me realise all the things I have missed out. I'm not living with regrets, but more of "if only" perhaps. The last time I talked to my Dad on the phone I was hardly able to hear him (and those that know my dad, will know thats hard coz he talked loud! lol). He died soon after that phone call. So I was never able to talk to him again.

I'm also realising that I have been to many funerals over the years. I haven't heard them either. They have all been close members of my family & in most cases i've been able to get the eulogy of the person, printed out for me so I can at least follow that & know what has been said. One funeral that I have no idea about unfortunately is my own Dad.  The eulogy was spoken by my Dads partners son (from her 1st marriage). I don't have contact with them, so I can't get hold of what was said. I have absolutely no idea what it said. That is my regret. I have been trying for years to get my hands on it. One day I will. I am determined. There is also a video of the funeral apparently. Another thing I haven't got my hands on. My half siblings seem to have fallen off the earth & so I am unable to get their copies.

I also missed out on hearing our wedding. I know what hubby wrote for his vows (I was the one that typed it out for him lol). But I didn't get that special moment to hear him saying it. I didn't get to hear the celebrant speaking. Again, I know what she said coz I was the one that organised it all & typed it all up. But these are just my feelings. I know I have heard before in life & I know that I am now hearing again, but this little sink hole of the period I haven't heard - these things bother me.

I have a dream to renew our vows in May 2015, for our 10th Anniversary. I have always felt that, but now I have my hearing & its going great, its added more fire & fight into me to make that happen. It will be small, it will be cheap. I don't want to go over the top like some people do, but I want to do it again, purely to say I was able to hear at my wedding! I completely understand that if deaf people have a wedding & don't have regrets. Thats awesome. These are just my thoughts about me remember. This is my way of my life & this is how I feel. So stay tuned! I wish we had our own home by then, but I don't think that is going to happen. But you just never know ;)

Things I am hearing lately:

• On Saturday, 7th September I heard my sewing machine for the first time. I have heard sewing machines before, but never this one & I don't think i've heard a computerised one before either. Switching it on & hearing it "beep beep" & make noises when I change the stitch etc. Fun! 
• Heard my rotary cutter while in the sewing room. And just the scraping of the ruler across the cutting mat. That was weird. To think how many quilts / playmats i've made over the past few years & never once occured to me that any of that made a noise! I had never used a rotary cutter before I lost my hearing - I wasn't into quilting at that time. 
• I also heard my iron steaming on Saturday too ... not much fun that of course, coz it meant I was ironing lol
• Frypan with oil sizzling on it - far too loud, but cool for a single second when I realised I could hear it (even tho it was a terrible loudness lol)
•  

Friday! (can't think of a better title lol)

I have been complaining about a arcade game like sound this afternoon. Been really annoying me & driving me nuts! Anyway, lil miss has been watching TV & fell asleep on the couch. She's sick & needs the rest, so the only way we manage that is to turn the TV on & have her fall asleep lol. So once she fell asleep, I turned the TV off ... Errr, arcade game like sound stopped! Geez, its annoying lol. So because the TV is on, my brain decided to throw arcade game sounds in my head. Had absolutely nothing to do with what was on the TV (It was playing Play school for goodness sake lol).

Heard my dog barking today while I was inside & he was outside. Haven't heard that in so long, I actually somehow sub-consciously told myself that he didn't bark often like this anymore. I know he used to do it, but I just assumed he didn't, maybe he was growing up? (He's just turned 7yrs old). Turns out he still does it & has always done it. Doh!

Some people have been asking me why I still have more appointments if I can hear now. It is such a complicated answer. As my brain & nerves adjust to the noise, they will accept it more. At the moment the volume is going up. My appointment yesterday, changed the volume to a higher level. Basically this part I really don't fully understand it myself, so its really hard to explain to someone else.

Also, you need to understand that my brain/nerves is hearing for the first time in 4years or so. So its like learning a new language. If you signed up for Italian lessons, & you had never ever heard a single Italian word spoken before. It sounds odd the first time you hear it. So when you hear the word, for instance "Ciao" ... your brain/nerves are going crazy nuts trying to figure out how you can repeat that back I guess. To get the pronunciation right, that sort of thing. You need to hear that word a few times to help you possibly. Thats the sort of thing that is going on for me.

I am lucky, I know the English language. I know words, I have had the gift of hearing before. For someone who has never heard, this whole journey will be much much harder i'm guessing. Someone who has been deaf for life & then all of a sudden, has hearing. They need to learn to hear the words, process them, categorise them kind of inside the brain. Remember those words, learn how to pronounce them. A lot of deaf people have limited speech, this is why. You theoretically, need to hear how its pronounced to be able to pronounce it correctly. Makes sense doesn't it. You can't just read a word on the paper for the very first time & know automatically how to pronounce it when you have never had hearing before.

It is something no one would be able to fully understand unless they were in the same position. That is why I have been saying that this whole process for me, is tiring. Imagine someone who is learning for the very first time. I have it "easy"!

I currently don't have any idea where the sound is coming from. That is another thing I have to relearn how to do. If I hear a noise, my head just goes nuts, trying to figure out where that noise came from. Its probably something that hearing people don't even think about. Like for instance, I heard my mixer on today for the first time ever since I have had it. I know that now. But at the time of hearing the noise, I had no idea what it was. I was completely clueless at what that sound was AND where it was coming from. I looked on both of my sides & it wasn't until I looked behind me, I saw that hubby had the mixer on & thats what was making the sound.

Hoping to get into my craft room this weekend & check out my sewing machine! Got that for Christmas in 2011, but have not heard it as yet! No idea if it beeps when I press all the computerised buttons etc that are on it. Will be fun, almost like having a brand new machine I guess.

 What i'm hearing today:

• Baking Day today, which means I got to hear my Kenwood Mixer for the first time, that hubby bought me for Christmas last year!
• Heard the microwave the other day. Don't think I commented on it, so i'll say I heard it today (Used the timer on it today while baking!)
•  Strange little thing I noticed tonight watching The Living Room on channel 10. I have never heard Miguel or Barry before! I've watched Bondi Vet with hearing so i've heard Chris talk & have heard Amanda on various things before. But i've never heard Miguel or Barry. I'm a huge fan of this show, we watch it every night. So it was funny when I watched it tonight hearing their voices for the first time, coz even without hearing them before & relying on captions each week, i've loved them & laughed so much watching this show (not sure why it didn't click when I watched it last Friday lol. Or maybe I didn't watch it lol). 
• The cat purring! I think I have heard it before today, earlier in the week but it was today when it really stood out due to the cat sitting on my chest & purring right next to my aid lol

End of Week 1

Today was my Week 1 appointment, after the initial switch on last week. Everyday I am reminded how totally lucky I am & how amazing my journey is. But its times when I go to the specialist for a check up that i'm reminded just how amazing my particular journey is.

My appointment today, was such a reminder of how far i've come in just 1 single week! For those who don't realise just how depressing deafness can be, I can count on my hand the number of times when i've gone out by myself, taken public transport, taken myself to an appointment, or gone shopping on my own.

Today, I took the train, then walked to my appointment (about 15mins from train station). Went into the clinic AND had a conversation with the receptionist! (During my deaf years, hubby would always be with me & usually tell the receptionist that i'm here for my appt. I didn't have any confidence & was completely reliant upon hubby during these times). Then I went into my appointment, my specialist asked me if i'd mind if she brought in one of the other staff members to show her how well I was doing, I said yes! I actually allowed someone else to come into my "safety zone". Something i'd never do or at least never feel strong enough to do with no hearing. Often I would just nod if I was asked & let them do whatever they wanted to do, didn't mean I liked it though (during my pregnancy, there were a lot of trainee doctors etc, so I dealt with this sort of thing a lot. Never liked it though).

I then had a complete conversation with both of the ladies in my appointment! And I really enjoyed it. I understood everything that was being said.I was a part of the conversation, I was the focus of the conversation actually & I was OK with that! Usually I am the person that sits there & stares at my shoes coz I can't keep up with a conversation & lip read everyones mouths when they talk. And I just nod or 'hmmm' or 'yeah' every so often in the conversation as it goes along.

After my appointment, I had lunch at McDonalds, which isn't very exciting, but thats what I felt like. Usually when I have gone there on my own before & not had hubby buying it for me, the registers never have the amount appear on the screen - I usually always look at that. I also usually either hand over a $20 note coz its easier & I know i'll get change when I don't know how much the total is. Or i'll use my eftpos. Not today tho! I used the correct cash amount coz I could hear them! Cool huh! First time i've done that in years. Hearing the amount & then being able to count the money out. Yes, I know I could ask them to repeat the amount, but often I get weird looks at that & really, when i'm deaf, I was always trying to have as little attention put on me as possible! So obviously the $20 note or the eftpos was the easiest solution, other than having lunch at home!!

THEN I went to Pandora! I haven't been in there before because its such a small shop & you can't really browse in there coz its just shelves & shelves of charms but you can only look on the top shelf. But this time, I went in & said hello when they did etc. had a look around & then asked if I could see a particular charm that I wanted. The lady found it & showed me, then I asked if there was any other options. She took out another one which was very nice but more expensive. So I took the cheaper one. This doesn't sound like anything special probably when you are reading this, but from my side - it is huge! To actually have initiated a conversation with the staff member & enquire about something - that was a huge thing for me. I have had my pandora bracelet since my 30th in April last year & the day I bought the pandora bracelet with my birthday money, was the one & only time I have walked into a Pandora shop!!

Pandora Gift Charm - to represent my "Gift of hearing again"

Its a Gift/ present. (The other one had pink "ribbon" instead of being all silver like this one).

The meaning behind it for me is, that I wanted a "gift" charm to represent my Cochlear Implant journey & that I have been given the "gift of hearing once again". So thats what this charm means for me! I have been thinking about it for a while, but decided that I had to do it properly & have done the whole day by myself. I had to go to my appt by myself without hubby, & then into the shop & buy it. Coz I have been hiding from that since being deaf. And obviously it would have been heaps easier for me to have ordered it online & got it delivered to me at home! (Believe me, I went online the night of having it switched on last week & its probably still sitting in the shopping cart on that website!) I did want to get it on the day of the switch on, after we finished the appt, which wouldn't have worked out anyway as the shops were shut by that time. So thats when I thought about it & decided to give myself little goals to get myself used to going out on my own & being independent again. So this was my first step!

What i'm hearing today:

• Walking to my appointment, I walked past a pigeon on the ground. When I got nearer, the pigeon flapped its wings & flew away! I heard the flapping of the wings! That was awesome!  
• I heard the station announcement on the train. When the train dude says what station is next stop! 

Another day, more things heard

 Had a bad day emotionally today. Getting frustrated at my lack of health, but also the energy that i'm lacking due to it being sucked out of me so my brain can relearn & decode all these words its hearing for the first time in ages. I've said it before, but I honestly never realised it would be that draining. I'm hoping it will end soon! I dunno if thats because i'm combining my days with looking after lil miss & trying to understand what she is saying. I mean, she babbles so much sometimes i'm sure noone understands her. Even hubby will say he doesn't know what she's talking about many times. And yet, I think my brain is seeing it as a word & trying to decode it or something along with trying to just learn all the everyday words. Anytime I sit down, I feel like I should just lie down for a second...

And yet when its bedtime, my body doesn't want to sleep. When I turn off my sound processor the tinnitus comes in & boy is it loud! Think of it as a recording of the days communication perhaps. That parts not tinnitus, but its so frustrating! Its like i'm hearing lil miss call me & yet, obviously if she was calling me I wouldn't hear her coz I have the sound processor out. So far i've found that all the things I hear at night when its out, are related to something I have heard that day. Maybe like a revision test or something. lol.

what i'm hearing today:

• I heard the postie knock on the door this morning to deliver a parcel! Wow, long time since that has been possible! Even with hearing aids, I often couldn't hear it
•  I've heard the word "WHY?" after every response I give to my lil miss lol. So there is one thing I haven't missed out on in her learning curve ... the beginning of the 'Why?' phase hehe
• Hung the washing out today & was able to hear the people in the backyard behind our land. Couldn't understand what they were saying word for word, but I could hear them speaking. They are doing some landscaping or something on their backyard & there was use of power tools etc & hammering in the nails. I could hear all that sort of thing. 

Now, don't get me wrong ... I joked earlier today on facebook that I should go back to being deaf so I don't have to deal with lil miss & her "WHY" phase with everything ... I don't really wish that. I treasure all of this. It is annoying of course, but I wouldn't ever wish to turn back the clock & not ever be able to hear my daughter. Not for a single moment. Or any other reason. I have already missed out on the first 3yrs of her life & I hope I never have to miss out on a single thing from now on. Every moment is precious. Every word she says, I smile - one: because I heard it & two: because she's my lil girl & I am living my ultimate dream now which was to hear my lil girl! I don't ask for much in life.

So that is something to think about next time you say "Gosh, I wish I was deaf". Trust me ... you wouldn't really ever want that ever.  I know all humans have their moments & are loud & annoying & you wish they would shut up. But be thankful because sound is a beautiful thing. It really is! Don't ever take it for granted. xxx

Happy Fathers Day

 Happy Fathers Day

We went on a family outing today & went to Westfield Shopping mall. This is the first time i've been to a shopping centre since my switch on. I know in previous experiences back when I used Hearing Aids that the intital tuning of the hearing aid usually turns out pretty terrible when used in a very busy environment. So I was expecting the worst & expecting to want to take it out or at least switch it off & write that down as another thing that needed to be fixed at my next appointment.

However, it turned out absolutely fine! I had no experiences where I thought i'm going to have to turn it off coz its just killing me with the loudness / wrong tone etc. So that is massive! A huge relief! Especially considering we had lunch next to the childrens playground by the food court! Like seriously, I was really concerned lol.

I still find this whole journey incredible & that all this sound is coming to me via transmitting signals through a magnet into a plastic/fake cochlear implant & getting to my brain via millions of nerves working hard at it in my head. Like, absolutely nothing is going via my outer ear. I could be a rugby player & have "cauliflower ears" like a forward & I would still be hearing what I am currently hearing coz it would make no difference. I could close up my ear & it will not change it. Technology is incredible, seriously. I am so so happy. I know I have my bad days & i've had a couple. Friday & Saturday were my bad days so far.

Not completely sure if any/ some or all of it was connected to all the nerves working hard in my head, but I had my temperature ranging from 38C - 42C for the past 2 days. I didn't wear my sound processor at all on Friday as I felt so sick. I felt queasy, my BSL's were high (i'm a type 1 diabetic since the age of 6yrs as well if some of my readers aren't aware of that already).

I was home alone looking after my lil miss 3yr old. She was craving my attention & I was struggling big time. I just needed to avoid my sound processor that day in case it was going to make me feel worse than I already felt. I got absolutely no sleep that night, & was still feeling crap by Saturday morning. I eventually got my temperature down to 36C by about 2pm & went straight to bed. My skin was tingling, I think that was due to the temperature. So all this, I honestly don't know if it is an infection from my cold that i've had on & off since my surgery thats never really completely gone. I have some really yucky looking scabs etc on my nose & theres one in my left ear & other places. GP has given me something for it last week, but i'm not sure whether that may have played a part in the temperature.. So, i've been feeling that it may be an infection, but it may be some of the crazy stuff that is happening in my brain at the moment, the big realisation that there is sound in there now & there hasn't been any in there for the past 3-5yrs! Obviously its going to be shocked!! I can't imagine what it must be like for the brain to have been longer without any sound in there. So I am thankful that for me personally its been a relatively short time I guess.

My specialist has told me to expect all this stuff happening & discomfort due to the chemicals playing around up there. I will try & find out & see if this is something that could be caused by the whole switch on, or if it was completely unrelated. I don't want to scare anyone who may be looking at it. Obviously I have felt like absolute crap these past 2 days, but today (Sunday) its been completely fine! No troubles hearing hubby or lil miss.


What i'm hearing today:

• I had a conversation with hubby almost the entire car trip (about 1hr). While he was driving!! So I can't lip read him clearly. I didn't need to. I could actually hear him today. That was pretty cool. And we did the same on the way home too. 
• I also got to experience just how much lil miss babbles on in the car while we're driving lol. I hadn't been able to experience that before. Hubby often tells me that she's chatting to herself in the back seat by using a hand gesture that would commonly be used I believe to describe a chatterbox! So yes, I knew she was chatting lots by hubby telling me. But i've never heard it myself. So that was fun.
• We parked in the underground carpark. Lots of cars driving around etc. I've been used to walking around in silence when I know that the carpark is usually a noisy place. Sound echoes etc in the underground parks with concrete around. Peoples car alarms beeping, all that sort of thing. So today, I got to hear all that.
• Today I used the ATM machine for the first time with my processor in - I heard the little beeps when I entered my PIN number & pressed the buttons for money amount etc. That was pretty cool being able to hear those things again!
• Tonight I heard the sound for the game that hubby & I play on facebook lol. Have never heard it before & I was completely baffled by the sound until hubby explained that what I was hearing was his computer speakers switched on, so the sound from the game was playing hehe. Funny!

Day after Switch On

Well, I had a huge sleep last night! So exhausted & still absolutely feeling it today. I am totally overwhelmed by the love & support I have received on Facebook & in my blog. Thank you!

I took some extra photos last night when I went to bed to give an idea of what happens at bed time. I finally got to take my aid off & put it to bed for the night. Taking it off, although it means I miss out on sound, my brain/body absolutely need that break! My ears have not been processing sound for 3yrs or more & now all of a sudden they have sounds knocking on the door so to speak.

I'm finding it really weird that I can actually stick my finger in my ear & yet still hear with no sound adjustments from it. In other words, when you put your hand over your ears, sound becomes a bit muffled yeah? Well for me it doesn't, coz the sound is not coming from the ear canal, its being transmitted through the Cochlear Implant / bone. Im still completely baffled in understanding completely how it words lol. It is such an amazing device & I love it!

Sound Processor ready for sleep! Ni night!

The above photo is of my battery charger (on the left) & the Dry & Store box (on the right). Both are essential things. The battery charger is a new thing to me. It is for rechargeable batteries. Each battery lasts a day before needing to be recharged. Well, approximately a day (probably a bit longer than 24hrs). Each battery can be recharged 365 times - so they last a year. The most common way people use these apparently is to rotate them, then all 3 batteries will last 3 years in total & at the end of the 3years I need to buy 3 new ones (At about $200 each!). BUT, if I wanted to I could use the single use battery option which comes with the set too (you beginning to see why I had so many boxes in that bag yesterday!?). But the single use one uses 2 batteries & it will last for 3days. So every 3days you will be replacing those batteries. A packet of batteries is about $5-6 & contains 4 batteries. So every week you will be spending $10-$12 on batteries. Times that by the number of weeks in a year & you see why it is cheaper to have a rechargeable battery at $200 a year ;)

The Dry & store box is something I have used over the years in various designs & brands. Nothing as posh looking as this though! It gets plugged into a power point & that yellow thing on the left of the box is the moisture collector which lasts 2months. After that, I need to replace it. Once the battery unit is taken off the processor & put onto the recharger, I then put the rest of the processor into the right hand side & shut the lid. Then after pressing power button a little fan that is underneath what you can see, will start up & basically dry out my processor. Being an aid that sits behind the ear - you are bound to get lots of moisture, whether it is sweating behind the ear or even just damp hair that hasn't been completely dried before putting the aid on. Moisture causes erosion of the processor insides, so it is vital to keep it dry.

I think I need a larger bedside table & power switchboard!! lol

What i'm hearing:

• how much my daughter giggles & talks to herself! LOVING IT! 
• Washing pegs being taken off the line & they click when I put them in my hand. also putting them into the peg bag. 
• Washing machine is so loud! Beeping when I press the buttons, I know it did that, but have haven't heard them in years.
• The dog barking at dogs walking down the street
• Dog panting when I came outside to see him & get the washing in 
• I think I heard a door open while I was outside getting the washing too! No idea where that was if it was a door opening, possibly the next door neighbour?
• lil miss drawing with felt tip pens - I can hear it squeak along the paper!
• All of lil miss' toys that make noises! First time i've heard them all. lil miss just told me to stop playing them a second ago LOL. I think i'm annoying her hehe 
• I am hearing some TV. I wouldn't be able to remove the captions & fully understand it all yet, but I am definitely hearing more than I thought I would at this early stage.
• (will update this list as the day goes on )

I have to keep in mind that there is still a long way to go, but I know now that what I am hearing won't get worse! Thats the awesome thing, it can only stay here or get better from here. My medical team was so excited & so amazed that i've can understand words right now. My specialist actually said she wasn't expecting me to understand her word for word. So i'm feeling pretty great! 

I actually kept lil miss home from Kindy today. I am not feeling the best with my cold etc that I still have. But also, it was such a fun day hanging out with my lil miss & having the entire day being able to hear her! Only doing that this one time, but its been such a blast having her here & chatting with her.

My brain is so tired though lol. Its amazing how much effort it is to learn to hear again. My eyes just want to drop & sleep. I keep feeling so so tempted to just remove the processor just for a little bit to rest my brain, but I know that the only one who is going to miss out from that is me. So, I am looking forward to bedtime!! 

Switch On Successful!

 So at 3pm today, Hubby, lil miss & myself went into the appointment. I put on my new sound processor & felt the magnet connect to my head (joining with the magnet part that is installed inside my head). It was completely different to what I was expecting. I thought there would be more of a pull/force of the magnets. Its actually quite hard for me to find the magnet on my head - i'm sure it will get easier with time.

We then started the MAPPING process which is really not something I can type about coz I have no idea lol. Basically my specialist put sounds into my processor via the computer (My processor is on me at this stage but also connected via a wire to the computer), the sounds vary in loudness & I tell her when I hear them. Pretty much like a hearing test. I think the process was a lot faster actually than what would happen during a hearing aid sound test. I was expecting it to be quite a long tiresome thing, but it seemed to be over quite quickly that part of it.

Then the Switch on happened. At this stage, hubby & lil miss are still in the room (Actually, they were in the room the entire 2hrs with me - Well done lil miss!! Such a good lil chicken!!). Specialist switched my processor on & it had a few beeps & then within 10seconds or so she spoke & I heard her. Word for word. Totally beyond my expectations.

We had some speech tests & I did pretty well with all that, including NON lip reading! (Where she puts something in front of her mouth, so I have to rely on the speech & not the lips moving). I did pretty well with that.

There were also the 5 sounds, which I got 5/5 for! The 5 sounds are:

1. Ah
2. Sh
3. sssss
4. oooo
5. eeee

After that, we tried to get lil miss to speak but she went all shy & well basically we could have spent the entire day waiting for her to speak! Eventually towards the end of the 2hr session the specialist asked her something & lil miss said "NOoooooo" - that was the first word I heard from my daughter :) And then lots of giggling! Thats when the tears started rolling ;)

And that was pretty much it after that. The bag (see the photos below) got examined & discussed about what all the bits & pieces were. I am still to look through it properly myself! I think i'll be spending all day tmw while lil miss is at kindy, looking & reading through it all lol. But I just need to get my battery charger out & the dry kit then i'm ready for bedtime at least. 

Things I am hearing:

• My Baby Girl!!!!!!!!
• My husband!
• Indicator in the car. Have heard that before, but seems funny after so long without it
• My seat in the car creaking/squeaking. Years ago, hubby spilled a drink on it & its made noises ever since when someone is on it. I don't even remember the last time I heard it but possibly somewhere around 2003! 
• Dialing up my insulin dose on my insulin pen - it clicks at each number. I have felt the clicks, but never heard them before!
• Mouse clicking on the computer. I've had several mouses while having no hearing, but this one feels so silent if that makes any sense at all. I never thought it clicked when I clicked it lol
• Keyboard tapping when I type. My current keyboard is really loud. Even hubby told me that i'd notice how loud it is. Its almost like a typewriter lol
• Water dripping from tap. Again, another sound I have heard prior to losing my hearing, but another one that you kinda forget it makes such a noise!
• My digital camera clicks when I take a photo! Never heard that before on this camera.
• My cat, meowing when I walked in the door tonight after my appointment 
• My dog skattering all over the tiles in the laundry as I let him outside when we got home. I have never heard that before while living in this house.
• Hubby sniffling! Arghhh, driving me nuts already lol
• I heard some banging in the kitchen at McDonalds when we stopped there for dinner on the way home lol. 
• 
  

We did not video the 'switch on'. It really wasn't that much of a deal at the time. Was pretty much a non event honestly! No photos either.

However, I do have all these photos of my "equipment bag" I got which contains everything!

Front view of the bag (Pepsi Max can gives you an idea of the size of the bag!)

Side view of the bag (Pepsi Max can gives an idea how wide it is!)

Unzip the bag to reveal all this!

All the contents out on our 4 seater dining table lol

My Cochlear Nucleus 5 Sound Processor (Yes, its boring brown - but it blends in really well with my hair!!)

So that was my day! At age 31 years (& 4 months, 3 weeks & 6 days) old ~ I regained my hearing after 4years with no hearing or hearing aid & heard my 3years (& 3mths 2weeks & 1day) old daughter speak for the first time ever.

I am emotionally drained, excited, exhausted, but ...  

Feeling on top of the world :) xxx

Switch On Eve

It is 11pm at night & I cannot sleep. Not because of the Switch on tmw, but because of my cold & how sore & raw my nose is. But also because of tmw, if i'm completely honest.

Hubby keeps trying to reassure me that it will all be OK, regardless of the outcome. I know in the back of my mind that is true. I know I can't determine the outcome, but still it plays on my mind. Will I be able to hear sounds for the first time in 3yrs this time tmw?

What will the sounds be like? Some people say when the switch on happens its all beeps & blips, others say they can hear words being spoken. Will I need to wait until week 1 or week 2 or maybe not even until week 8 when I hear words pronounced properly.

Even with all my struggles or self confidence, how I view myself, my vanity, I am charging up the home video camera & digital camera to bring along with me. I know I have to do that. I want to be able to show it to my daughter when she is older. Who knows, I may never watch it. I may not ever want to see it again, but at least it is there in case. Just in case.

Video camera getting charged, the night before Switch On.

Will I show it online? On my blog, or on Facebook? Well, I kind of doubt it actually. But having said that, I may change my mind. I have so many friends on Facebook & in my blog that have supported me more than they will ever know. 99% of my facebook friends, I have never even met in real life but they all hold a special place in my heart & the friendship that I have with them is as strong as my real life ones.


The biggest question of all. The one that holds the most valuable & most important thing in my world of hope ...

Will I be able to hear my daughter for the very first time at 3years, 3months, 2weeks & 1 day old?

This is the week ...

Today (Monday) is the start of Hearing Awareness Week ... and what better way to promote that ~ my Cochlear Implant 'Switch on' is this Wednesday!

Specialists have told me not to expect too much & to have realistic expectations & yet they are telling me to bring friends & family along for the switch on ... But then again, the world always is my little tiny world anyway, I have no friends here & I have no family. My Mum lives in NZ, won't be here so its only hubby & lil miss. We are only a small team but still.

I am anxious, I am nervous, I am scared, I don't think I am excited or anything positive. I figure if I expect the worst, then anything that happens is a bonus.

The whole things will take 2hrs & no doubt having a 3yr old with us, she will be bored & need to be taken out for some of it. I am scared of being alone without hubby & lil miss. They have been my wall to hide behind for years now.

I know I need to do this though. I need to start learning how to gain my independence back & hopefully get my life back on track. We have sorted out a way to deal with my follow up appointments by having lil miss at kindy on those days (most of them are on Wednesdays), then hubby will work from home on those days & be there to pick up lil miss as I won't get home in time since public transport isn't frequent enough in these parts.

I am scared & nervous about this Wednesday. Why? Coz my stupid vanity I think. I am currently sick with a nasty cold - the same one I have had since beginning of July. It just keeps going & returning. This time, I have nasty infection / scabs on the end of my nostrils. It is so nasty I hate it. I am so uncomfortable all the time & the top of my throat feels like someone has taped a massive horse tablet on the top of my throat which makes swallowing terrible.

Its all around the face, so the thought of having a video on my face / body at the time of the switch on is terrifying to me. Its rare that you will see a photo of me. I have never liked photos of myself. I do them when I have to rather than when I want to. I don't want to look back on this time & regret it, so I know I will have the photos & the video. At the worst, I can just stash them away at the bottom of my drawers & never look at them again.

But just the thought of it all, scares me. To be honest, we are not a photo family. We don't say "take a photo of me". So I don't know when we should have the photos. Part of me is thinking if we had someone else in there with us, they could just shoot the camera & video when they want & then we'd be left with whatever they took & be done with it. Maybe thats what I should have thought about. Maybe that is a reason I should have had my Mum here with me. I know i'll have hubby there, but really - I don't imagine he'll be taking photos much when its not something we do but also, he has a 3yr old to entertain during the whole thing. He won't be able to be in the room much, coz wheneever the 2 of them are in the room - lil miss wants to be with me & sit on me.

All will be revealed after 2 more sleeps! Once again I remind myself, to have low expectations & then everything else that happens is a bonus. 

Post of Interest

The past week or so I have been in touch with Medic Alert in Australia to figure out what I will get written on my bracelet. Being a T1 diabetic on insulin, I have been a member of Medic Alert (firstly in NZ & then in Australia since 2001) since my diagnosis back in the 80's.

It was great to see in the most recent newsletter from Medic Alert, a member testimonial about a woman who has got a Cochlear Implant & how important the bracelet is.

You can read about it via this link http://www.medicalert.org.au/Newsletter/Member+Testimonial+-+Lorraine+Mulley

I hope to order my new bracelet this week to update my changes in the information kept on file but also to give me a new bracelet which will now mention that I am a Cochlear Implant recipient & cannot have MRI's, diathermy or ECT. This is another little thing that I was not aware of before having the implant. I only hope that I do not ever need any of these things to save my life! (Note: The implant would need to be surgically removed for me to be able to have an MRI, diathermy or ECT. So it is not impossible if the need is there.)

Sick of this cold!

So sick of my cold now! I still have continuous ringing in my ears (aka: tinnitus). The whole family has colds at the moment. lil miss is staying home from kindy today so we're having a nice lazy day at home & hopefully she'll be able to attend tmw - this is her first week attending 3 days in a row too! (Besides from the last 2 weeks when she went 4 days in a row while I was recovering & hubby worked from home).

For anyone that doesn't experience tinnitus/ringing in the ears, it varies in terms of what you "hear" ringing wise. My most common type of ringing is like the ATM machines that beep when you have to take the card out of the slot or the money. I dunno if all ATMs do that or not, but the ones I have used in the past (when I had hearing) do. Have you ever made a deposit in an ATM? And they spit the envelope out at you to deposit the money/cheques. And it beeps all the time & usually most people stuff the money into the envelope as fast as possible coz of that annoying beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep that just doesn't stop lol. Well, at the moment thats what i'm hearing all the bloody time lol.

And each & every time I cough or blow my nose, it gets worse. This is possibly due to the CI surgery I had 20days ago. I am hoping that it will not be long term & will go away once CI is activated. But it is so annoying at the moment during the healing process of the surgery.

Scar is itching like mad now, which I know is a good thing as it means its healing. But gosh its frustrating along with all the "noise" (tinnitus) & blocked nose & coughing. I just want a break!

In terms of healing from the CI Surgery (Its now Day 20 post surgery! Time flies!), I think i've gotten rid of most of the numbness (or maybe the metallic taste - not sure what it is but it was annoying lol) - that was on the tip of my tongue. Finally! 20 days was a lot when I had that on the tip of my tongue. Very happy its almost gone. Its not annoying me now anyway, & its not noticeable at all times too.

Still have pain on that side if I try & sleep on it. Its the side I always sleep on, so the past 20days has been very tricky learning to sleep on the other side. My body seems to have given up now & I end up on my usual side which is fine, it just causes a bit of discomfort when I wake up.

Otherwise in general, there is no pain. Its tender & a bit sore to touch where the bump is which is where the magnetic part & the mechanical part lies under the skin.

Tucking my hair behind my ear is still a pain, as I rub the scar when I do that. Just little things like this that are still causing me issues.

I am still using a hair dryer to dry my scar when I get out of the shower. Also using it to dry my hair (haha) just a bit. Rather pointless if I dry the scar & then tuck wet hair behind my ears really isn't it lol.

One thing that frustrates me ...

Friends on facebook will have probably seen me write that the past 2 nights we have had no power. No idea why, but on Wednesday night the power went off at 7.15pm & Thursday night the power went off at 6.15pm. Coincidence? I dunno.

The one thing I HATE about power cuts / outages is that I lip read & I am deaf! Trying to lip read is difficult at the best of times when there is absolutely no sound to use as backup (I'm not as good at lip reading now as I was when I still had some hearing).

But when you add to all of that, candles as the only available lighting, or torches (which give more light I guess, but tend to have more shadows), lip reading is damn near impossible! So imagine my frustration when it happens 2 nights in a row! 1st night (Wednesday) wasn't so bad, as it was later & everyone went to bed fairly early. However, I did have a high BSL for my T1 diabetes - so on those sorts of nights, I can't sleep til I get my BSL down somewhat. So I was stuck in the dark drinking & drinking & drinking & drinking (I always need to drink fluids when I am high to help flush it all out). But when you drink, you need to pee right!? It goes without saying lol. So here I was, the only one awake (probably hubby & lil miss were semi awake getting rather annoyed at my many trips to the bathroom lol), rushing off to the loo all the time with my silly little torch lol. Hopping back into bed & reading on my tablet - reading an ebook. However, my battery was terribly low, so I had everything switched off that I could & relying on just minimal stuff running so I could read as I had no idea when i'd be able to sleep again lol. 2am I finally got to sleep I think & by that time the power was on. No idea if it stayed on though!

The following night, Thursday night, power went off at 6.15pm - lasagne half way through cooking in the oven! Arghh bugger! Trying to figure out what to have for tea (takeaway), was proving rather tricky as we had to pick up MIL who was coming to visit for the weekend! lol. Anyway, figured all that out & had noodles for tea at home after picking them & MIL up from the train station. Then get to have the "silent treatment" from me for the rest of the night coz I can't lip read in the dark! Poor MIL must have wondered why on earth she's come to visit this weekend with no power in the middle of the Blue Mountains where its so much colder over winter than shes used to back in Dubbo lol.

Once again, it was another long night with no power. Possibly 2am again when it turned back on. So very cold nights with no heating in any of the 3 bedrooms brrrr. At least I charged my tablet up during the day so I was prepared for Thursday night lol.

Anyway, in conclusion! This is one thing I won't miss if the Cochlear Implant all goes my way & I get some help through it for sound. To allow me to have at least some conversation during a blackout!

Its a bit the same as wanting to talk while in bed when the lights out ... can't do that in the deaf world. Light has to be turned on, which frustrates hubby i'm sure when I wake him up & then turn the light on lol.It used to be with a hearing aid, I could at least pop that in & get some hearing so I could keep talking in the dark. But yeah, its just small things like this that a normal hearing person probably wouldn't even think of as being a problem ... but it does make a big issue.

On another note, finally finished my antibiotics today!! No infections coming my way!! 

Day 15: Post Surgery

Today I had my first proper shower since surgery. I have washed my hair last Friday & since then, but I haven't been able to have a proper wash. Have tried to keep the scar as dry as possible & keep the shampoo away from that area. But this morning was my first proper soak. Geez it felt great to stand under the shower head & let the water run freely over all of my face. Funny how much cleaner I felt too.

The shaven area is growing back quickly. Still fuzzy & furry to touch. Gotta remind myself that i'm not meant to touch the scar much just to keep it as clean as possible. There are still a couple of patches that haven't quite healed yet. I have been good though, as my last surgery on my head, I remember picking the scabs & that is probably where my hair hasn't grown back. I had a terrible time with the healing back then, so this one has healed incredibly fast & I am so happy with it! I imagine that is mainly due to my surgeon & how good he is, but also perhaps the technology advancement that is available today that wasn't around back in 1997. I dunno, i'm not a doctor lol.

Just a thought ...

So much of my life right now revolves around my Cochlear Implant journey, it gets completely overwhelming at times. Actually, most of the time it is.

You see, there is all the media hype about the "switch-on" when you see the little kid hearing for the first time. Or a parent hearing their child for the first time. Whatever the situation is, they are emotional. Ask anyone. Its an emotion thing to see on youtube & whereever else you see them popping up all over the place.

But imagine how that is for the person who is hearing for the first time.

Imagine the person who goes through the surgical process & gets to the switch on part only to not achieve what our ultimate goal is to achieve. Imagine when they do that "switch-on" ... there is nothing... no sound ... no acknowledgement of something.

Imagine the mother (or father!), never having heard their child / children talk & then for them to go through all this & find out that it isn't going to work for them. All the hype, the possibility of being able to hear your child talk, to laugh, to say "I love you, Mummy/Daddy", then it doesn't happen & you are left there alone in the world of continued silence ... still.

These are my fears.

I am forever greatful that I have heard the beauty of the world in my lifetime. I am thankful that I have heard the wind blow, the leaves crunching under my shoes in autumn, the birds tweeting, my parents voices, my husbands voice. The joy of talking on the telephone to my friends for hours & hours, talking on the phone to my Mum or my grandparents.

Some of these things I will never be able to do again even if I get hearing back, because time has passed. I can never hear my Dads voice again, I can never talk to my grandparents again. I accept that, just as anyone would accept it when death occurs. I understand that, that is life. Thats just the way it is.

But one thing that I want more than absolutely anything in this entire world. One thing I want to be able to experience just once! Just one little time is all I ask for in my entire life. I want to hear my daughter. I want to hear her say "I love you, Mummy".

She already knows that I am deaf. Even in her small little 3yr old world, she knows that I cannot hear her. She says "I love you, Mummy" all the time. And sadly, she is all too aware of the fact that many times when she says that & I see her saying it, I get tears in my eyes or I burst out crying. I tell her that i'm happy coz she loves me. I tell her i'm happy that she says it all the time. I cannot tell her that I am sad coz I can only see her lips moving & not HEAR her voice saying those words. She is too young for that, in my opinion. She shouldn't have to figure out what that actually means.

She knows this journey well. She is going through every day with me & goes to all my appointments. We don't have family or friends nearby to help us out, to look after her while I go to my appointments. I have lost all independence & won't go to appointments by myself. I always have to bring my husband along with me. That is my reality. I depend fully on my husband to do my talking for me & to be there to answer the questions.

If my husband is there, then you can guarantee that my daughter is there too. We travel as a unit. All 3 of us, all the time, to any appointment that I attend.

My fear of gaining back some hearing is that I will have to try & be independent again. I am scared of that world now. It has been so long since I was independent. I have conversations with myself in the bathroom of the shopping malls before heading into a certain shop if I know I have to buy something. I have to force myself to go through the checkout & not just wait for my husband to buy it, or go home & buy it online. Luckily for me, a few of the major department stores now have self service checkouts. I thrive on them. Love them! Until that red light comes up above your checkout & says "please wait for an attendant" - worst nightmare! Stupid, but thats what I deal with.

The other thing I am dealing with is the absence of my Mum who is currently on holiday for 2mths traveling around Europe. We knew earlier this year that she wasn't going to be here for me during the surgery. That was fine. We figured out though that she would probably be back by the time I had my "switch-on". Now today I have found out that its too soon after shes got back from her holiday & she won't be here for the switch on. Thats not her fault though. She has been through life with me through thick & thin. She has supported me 200% in everything that I have ever done, even the things that she isn't so sure on (like moving to Australia with a guy I hadn't known face to face for long, or changing my university course half way through the year without discussing with her first). I could easily change the date of my switch on to make it suitable for Mum to be here when it happens, but like I mention below, coming over later may be more better for both of us to have the chance to experience sound again.

I have been emailing her throughout her holiday. She's been enjoying her new ipad that she bought especially for the trip & has been enjoying connecting with WiFi in the hotels. So we have kept in touch & upto date with everything.

I emailed her with what everyone in my Cochlear Implant journey team, has been telling me. Don't expect too much. Be realistic about what will happen on the 'switch on'. So, I told her that I am OK that she doesn't come over here for my switch on. That it is probably more beneficial that she comes later, say in 5 or 6 weeks.

But it has just hit me. The one person who knows me the most in this world is my Mum. I want her with me if this turns out well. Or bad for that matter. I've been focusing on the whole thing & downplaying it all. I'm expecting the worst basically & therefore anything good that happens is a bonus for me. But sometimes a girl just wants her Mum.

So there you have it. In 2 weeks & 2days, I will have had my "Switch-on". I don't have any clue on how it is going to go. How it is going to end up. Whether it will be a huge event, or a non-event. I don't have any control over this part of it. That scares me. I like knowing what happens. I don't like surprises. Anyone who knows me will know how much I hate surprises lol.

Date for the Switch On!

Just received my information in the mail today

I now have a date! 28th August 2013 is my proposed Switch On date! Lock it in! Not entirely sure how lil miss is going to cope with my 2hr appointment though lol. But i'm sure hubby won't need to stay with me for the entire thing, so they can probably leave & go for a walk or something somewhere while i'm busy doing all the hard stuff!

Its rather daunting reading through the proposed calendar for me. I have appointments all penciled in for the first 12mths from the date of the switch on! I have to say though, as daunting as that is, its amazing to see it planned out so well. 7 appointments all pre-booked over the next year. Great to have it all sorted out in advance.

In the past, with new hearing aids, its always really been a bit nuts. You get the hearing aid, then they play around with the computer to get it right, then you go home & if you have problems with it then you ring up & make another appt. I think over the last couple of hearing aids that i've had, I think i've possibly just ignored it or avoided going back to get them changed / adjusted. Sometimes it was such a long wait to get an appt, that by the time they were able to see me, I didn't think there was a problem anymore. There probably was, I just was so used to it by then.

Anyway, inside my envelope was all this information about the actual Switch on process. Its a very thorough process, as it should be of course.  Its not exactly an easy thing to function i'm sure! But it also gave me some Post Surgery information. Tad late for that but nevermind lol. It gave me advice like not blowing my nose hard for the first 2 weeks after surgery. Also, to avoid catching a cold! Well, I stuffed that up, coz my lovely family has given me their colds doh! Have a blocked nose that i've been fairly careful with not to blow my nose hard. I did actually read something about that on someones blog a while ago, so I did remember that in case! But I was never sure why I couldn't blow my nose & I never asked (always forgot to ask when I was at my appts). I assumed it was something to do with making me dizzy but it is actually because it can cause pain in the ear & / or tinnitus. It can also dislodge the implant from the inner ear! So it is wise to avoid catching a cold. So anyone reading this BEFORE having this surgery, keep that in mind & learn from my mistake lol.

Review of interest

Just thought i'd post this review I saw online today about the Nucleus 6 Sound Processor by one of the participants in the clinical trial. Looks like a huge difference (for this person anyway), between the Nucleus 5 & the latest model, Nucleus 6 (which has only just been released in the USA as far as i'm aware. I could be wrong about that though).

http://cochlearimplantonline.com/site/a-review-of-nucleus-6-by-a-nucleus-cochlear-implant-recipient/