Today I am reminded about how lucky I am to have been given a 2nd chance at hearing. Before I had my daughter, I accepted that my hearing was getting worse & I think I had acknowledged the fact that i'd just 'be deaf'. At that time (before being pregnant, so early 2009), I was under the assumption that I wasn't a candidate for the Cochlear Implant. I had testing for it years ago & wasn't eligible. To be honest, I can't even remember why. Whether it was because my hearing loss wasn't severe enough, i'm not sure. It was pretty bad at the time still, but I was getting by with BTE hearing aids.
Part of me wonders if I had not had a child, whether I would have even bothered to return to the possibility of getting a Cochlear Implant or whether I would like as I said before, just be deaf & accept it for what it is & go about my everyday life. Lived as a recluse perhaps, I don't know. The good thing is now that I don't have to think about that!
I had major depression & depressing thoughts about being a deaf Mum. It just wasn't what I thought I would be. I have the most respect for anyone who has gone through this longer than I have. Each person is different, but for me, as someone who has had hearing before - I know what a bird sounds like & all those things most people take for granted. I couldn't bare the thought of not hearing my daughter ever, so each day since her birth, it dragged me down each & every day. Especially when I knew she was crying her eyes out as a baby & I could see the look of frustration on my hubbys face. I could see how bad the crying was & not being able to settle her etc. But at the same time, I felt out of the loop, coz I wasn't hearing her. Her crying was silent to me. Her screaming, her wailing, her shrieking etc. All meant nothing. I couldn't tell if she was crying unless I could see her face & even then, unless her face was bright red or tears falling down her face, I really didn't understand whether she was crying or laughing.
So all this sort of stuff, analysing her face. Trying to work out what she was doing at each moment of the day, it was so exhausting. Then to top off the exhausting days, I had to try & comfort myself. I felt so alone in a silent world. My hubby could talk to his parents over the phone & maybe get some advice about things or just blurt things out. But for me, being deaf & not having that option, it was very overwhelming at times & I would cry myself to sleep. Not knowing where I fitted into this world. Maybe this world of motherhood wasn't for me. Was I selfish for having a baby when I knew that I wouldn't be able to hear her? She deserves better than me - someone who can hear her without staring at her all the time to SEE a response.
So anyway, today I was reminded of how lucky I am that my Cochlear implant surgery went so incredibly well & today - only 3months after my switch on date. I have almost forgotten all those times of self hate, the feeling of being so alone & depressed because I can't hear my daughter giggle & laugh.
Because now I can! I am loving waking up each day knowing that I get to HEAR her. Even on the grumpy frumpy days ;) And today, as I was changing her nappy (yes, still can't get her toilet trained ARGHH), I got the pleasure of listening to her sing the alphabet song which she seems to have adjusted to suit herself lol.
"ABCDEFGHIJK LMNOP QRS TUV WX Y Zed, now I know my ABCD EFGHIJK LMNOP ... "
You get the idea ;) it goes over & over & over apparently ;) Its a neverending song, rather than "now I know my ABC, next time won't you sing with me!" lol.
Another song shes singing lots of Ram Sam Sam - this was sung at her Kindy Concert on Tuesday & shes been singing it for the past month or so. But it brings back so many happy memories of me singing it at Brownie & Girl Guide camps etc when I was little, over in NZ. So I get to reminisce as well as enjoy my daughter sing :)
Words cannot express how much I am loving it right now :) I cry so often now ... but this time, its tears of joy, amazement, surreal feeling of being able to hear better than I have for the past 12 years or so!
I know there is still a long long road ahead of me, learning to undo all these little habits that i've gathered during my bad hearing & deaf period. Things like looking down at the ground while walking. Ive been doing that for so many years now that I need to physically remind myself not to do it & I probably need some sort of physio to help correct my posture etc now too.
Many things have changed, but I know they can be changed back to "before" as well. The most important thing in the world to me, is my lil girl, my pride & joy, the best thing in my life - & the fact that I can experience life with her now & get excited as her at hearing things.
Even yesterday, when we walked home from the bus stop, we walked past a house that has a chicken coop. A Rooster crowed! And we both heard it at the same time & looked at each other, but lil miss not having heard one before, didn't know what it was. And that was my defining moment! I was able to tell her "that is a rooster". Because I had heard it too. Before now, i've always had to say "I don't know" or "Ask Daddy" coz I can't hear anything. NOW I get to be Mum & teach her sounds! Not just look completely clueless at what shes hearing.
Happy Days! :D
Showing posts with label lil miss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lil miss. Show all posts
Thursday, 19 December 2013
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
1st Ever Kindy Concert!
Well, today was lil miss's 1st ever Kindy Christmas Concert & she was so excited! She has been saying "its a secret" everytime we have been asking her what she was doing for it. Doesn't she realise that I hate secrets? ;)
Anyway, this was going to be our very first first that all of us could be hearing. Up until today, everything was always second hand for me. The first time I heard her speak - wasn't the first time she had spoken, the first time I heard her say Mummy, obviously wasn't the first time she'd ever said Mummy. That sort of thing.
But today, we were all on equal / level territory. It was lil miss's first Kindy Concert AND therefore, it was mine & hubbys first Kindy Concert too.
They had their little party first. It was all exciting because they got to have the party in the "big kids room", which is the other side of the room where lil miss doesn't hang out, coz shes one of the "little kids". (i'm talking age, not height obviously - although, she'd still be little if it were that way lol).
Then all the family members came back after the party & they did their concert for us. I had charged the video camera for over 24hrs. Unfortunately, we realised as hubby starting recording, that the battery wasn't holding the charge! Arghh. (note to self: Get a new one!). Its been years since we last used it, but didn't even consider that, but anyway. We got most of it recorded, so her Nana in NZ & Nan in Aus will be able to see her little concert.
I managed to get a bad seat, so couldn't get many photos with my silly camera lol. Got some good shots of the 2 parents in front of me & their shoulders though ;P
But the main thing was, this was the first time I have ever felt a part of it. I couldn't understand a lot of the singing (well, the music that was coming out of the CD player). I knew I wouldn't be able to. But I could at least recognise that the noise was there. Kind of hard to explain, but I felt a part of the group because I knew when they were doing something as opossed to just sitting there & doing nothing. You know how kids are, they run around & wander off etc. Thinking about it now, I realise that if I didn't have the sound today, then I could have assumed that the kid who ran off towards his mummy part way through the concert - I might have thought that was part of it. But with sound, it helped me.
I didn't feel left out or feel like I shouldn't even be there, because lets face it, the actions that kids that age do - are never going to be exact are they lol. So its mighty confusing. But now that I have the hearing to go with it, it allows me to relax & just watch it with the sounds in the backgrounds rather than staring at the people trying to work out what was being said or trying to determine what song they might actually be singing when I had no sound. Was completely stress free which was a major change from the past!
So needless to say, I had one of the best days in such a long long time :) Now my next big day will be Christmas Day, getting to experience something similar to today & relax more & not feel that i'm missing out on parts due to needing to blink or something lol. I can actually hear whats going on around me & hear the noises coming from her toys (and yes, we have got something that has noise in it - that was a huge thing that I planned on doing. Definitely a requirement to this year! We got her something with noise in it last year when we initially thought i'd have hearing by Christmas then it didn't work out, so had to repeat that for this year after I missed out on all those 'experiencing the sounds for the first time' with her).
Anyway, this was going to be our very first first that all of us could be hearing. Up until today, everything was always second hand for me. The first time I heard her speak - wasn't the first time she had spoken, the first time I heard her say Mummy, obviously wasn't the first time she'd ever said Mummy. That sort of thing.
But today, we were all on equal / level territory. It was lil miss's first Kindy Concert AND therefore, it was mine & hubbys first Kindy Concert too.
They had their little party first. It was all exciting because they got to have the party in the "big kids room", which is the other side of the room where lil miss doesn't hang out, coz shes one of the "little kids". (i'm talking age, not height obviously - although, she'd still be little if it were that way lol).
Then all the family members came back after the party & they did their concert for us. I had charged the video camera for over 24hrs. Unfortunately, we realised as hubby starting recording, that the battery wasn't holding the charge! Arghh. (note to self: Get a new one!). Its been years since we last used it, but didn't even consider that, but anyway. We got most of it recorded, so her Nana in NZ & Nan in Aus will be able to see her little concert.
I managed to get a bad seat, so couldn't get many photos with my silly camera lol. Got some good shots of the 2 parents in front of me & their shoulders though ;P
But the main thing was, this was the first time I have ever felt a part of it. I couldn't understand a lot of the singing (well, the music that was coming out of the CD player). I knew I wouldn't be able to. But I could at least recognise that the noise was there. Kind of hard to explain, but I felt a part of the group because I knew when they were doing something as opossed to just sitting there & doing nothing. You know how kids are, they run around & wander off etc. Thinking about it now, I realise that if I didn't have the sound today, then I could have assumed that the kid who ran off towards his mummy part way through the concert - I might have thought that was part of it. But with sound, it helped me.
I didn't feel left out or feel like I shouldn't even be there, because lets face it, the actions that kids that age do - are never going to be exact are they lol. So its mighty confusing. But now that I have the hearing to go with it, it allows me to relax & just watch it with the sounds in the backgrounds rather than staring at the people trying to work out what was being said or trying to determine what song they might actually be singing when I had no sound. Was completely stress free which was a major change from the past!
So needless to say, I had one of the best days in such a long long time :) Now my next big day will be Christmas Day, getting to experience something similar to today & relax more & not feel that i'm missing out on parts due to needing to blink or something lol. I can actually hear whats going on around me & hear the noises coming from her toys (and yes, we have got something that has noise in it - that was a huge thing that I planned on doing. Definitely a requirement to this year! We got her something with noise in it last year when we initially thought i'd have hearing by Christmas then it didn't work out, so had to repeat that for this year after I missed out on all those 'experiencing the sounds for the first time' with her).
Monday, 18 February 2013
We have a date!
Got an email from my surgeon today with a date to get my Cochlear Implant! Freak out time, its actually happening! Its still over 5mths away due to my stupid private hospital insurance policy but still, its happening.
I feel scared, numb, excited, unsure, worried & so many other things.
I haven't had a surgery since lil miss was born (i've had a lot of surgeries in my time!). I realise now that this doesn't just involve me, hubby & my Mum. If something goes wrong, then my lil girl gets affected too!
In 2007 I had endoscopic procedure & I was scared of something going wrong or me dying (obviously i'm sure thats a main concern for anyone going "under"). I was scared about leaving my furbabies at the time as we got Ozzie & Scotty after buying our own home in 2006. Thats how important they are to me. Looking back now though I realise that its nothing compared to the thought of leaving my lil girl without her Mum.
And then there is the chance that the surgery will not achieve all its supposed to. What if I get this done & the implant doesn't work for me? If I get no hearing out of it? What if they hit a nerve & i'm paralysed in some sort of way that scares my daughter, or god forbid, prevents me from being able to look after my daughter!?
I feel scared, numb, excited, unsure, worried & so many other things.
I haven't had a surgery since lil miss was born (i've had a lot of surgeries in my time!). I realise now that this doesn't just involve me, hubby & my Mum. If something goes wrong, then my lil girl gets affected too!
In 2007 I had endoscopic procedure & I was scared of something going wrong or me dying (obviously i'm sure thats a main concern for anyone going "under"). I was scared about leaving my furbabies at the time as we got Ozzie & Scotty after buying our own home in 2006. Thats how important they are to me. Looking back now though I realise that its nothing compared to the thought of leaving my lil girl without her Mum.
And then there is the chance that the surgery will not achieve all its supposed to. What if I get this done & the implant doesn't work for me? If I get no hearing out of it? What if they hit a nerve & i'm paralysed in some sort of way that scares my daughter, or god forbid, prevents me from being able to look after my daughter!?
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
From TV Cabinet to Miss2's Wardrobe!
In September 2011, we bought a 2nd hand TV cabinet that was bigger than our usual one. After buying it, I had an idea. Could I make the old TV cabinet that we bought back in 2001 when we first moved in together, into a little Wardrobe for lil miss!? I had visions of it running around in my head for ages & really wanted to see it through.
The problem with wanting to do this was the weather was really terrible this summer with so many wet days. We have no garage, so I couldn't do it inside a garage or anything. The only spare room we have, which is meant to be the room that lil miss sleeps in (she's still in our bedroom at the moment!), the room that lil miss is meant to have, is the only room in the house which gets any sun if it ever appears even for a little bit. So, thats where the clothes rack sat all winter drying clothes! So I couldn't put the cabinet on the floor in there & dry clothes at the same time.
Finally though, its all worked out & as of today ... it is complete! I have taken so many photos throughout the process, but basically here is the before & after photo :)
I felt my Daddys presence throughout the project. He was a carpenter & I know he would be thinking this was a pretty cool project. So i'm pretty happy with it & have already got plans for my next 'upcycle' project ;)
Happy Crafting!
The problem with wanting to do this was the weather was really terrible this summer with so many wet days. We have no garage, so I couldn't do it inside a garage or anything. The only spare room we have, which is meant to be the room that lil miss sleeps in (she's still in our bedroom at the moment!), the room that lil miss is meant to have, is the only room in the house which gets any sun if it ever appears even for a little bit. So, thats where the clothes rack sat all winter drying clothes! So I couldn't put the cabinet on the floor in there & dry clothes at the same time.
Finally though, its all worked out & as of today ... it is complete! I have taken so many photos throughout the process, but basically here is the before & after photo :)
 |
| Before: TV Cabinet that we bought for our first home back in August 2001 |
 |
| AFTER: Wardrobe for lil miss on the right & one for her doll as well on the bottom left! And above that 2 shelves which i'll put some baskets in when I find some the right size lol |
I felt my Daddys presence throughout the project. He was a carpenter & I know he would be thinking this was a pretty cool project. So i'm pretty happy with it & have already got plans for my next 'upcycle' project ;)
Happy Crafting!
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Decisions decisions
One of my next reno challenges is making this chest of drawers into a fun cute chest of drawers for lil miss 2yr old.
The inside of the drawers ...
At the moment I have got as far as deciding that the colour of it is going to match everything else that will be in her room. So that will be white. Reason being is that as she gets older she'll be able to tell me what colour she wants it, so for now i'll leave it all just plain white & then we can get into the fun colours later on. No big deal.
But, the handles that are currently on it are old & since this photo was taken 2yrs ago, its now missing 2 handles. So i'm replacing the lot, which means surfing the net for some fun but cheap handles or knobs! I love this part!
So far i've found some crystal like ones that would give the impression of princess, girly kind of drawers. But then I have to decide which ones would be better out of the 2 photos below?
So that is where I am currently at for this week. Tough decisions to be made ;) I hope I make the right one!
Happy Crafting!
But, the handles that are currently on it are old & since this photo was taken 2yrs ago, its now missing 2 handles. So i'm replacing the lot, which means surfing the net for some fun but cheap handles or knobs! I love this part!
So far i've found some crystal like ones that would give the impression of princess, girly kind of drawers. But then I have to decide which ones would be better out of the 2 photos below?
Happy Crafting!
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